Peace, 1

[9meow]

 "There has to be that 'special something', an indefinable quality, something I can't put my finger on. Stuff I understand perfectly doesn't interest me. Obviously. It's very simple." 

Acknowledged something for the first time today; the real me isn't logical, or emotional-- but instinctive. I've made a functional, logical, emotional version of myself, the one that gets seen and eventually suffocates and stops working. This is the fake me that navigates and walks through the world because that's whats expected, probably the one who "has" normal desires and goals for life too. Suffocating. In reality I don't want any of those things. This world hasn't done anything for me, and I've accepted I don't want to do anything for it either. I don't understand this world and have lived my life until now trying to. 

But there's no place for me here; even the people going through similar things as I am feel so far off and pathetic. This isn't even coming from a place of anger. So = less people ---> Happiness. 

My emotions and thoughts don't fit in with this shit and never have. Always felt disconnected and thought that I was the one who was missing something; In reality maybe I have something others don't, I feel ready to accept that now. It's time to disengage, live without expectations. If I can't and don't want to connect with others there's no reason for me to judge myself based on what's "normal" anymore. My instinctual, true self feels best when I'm at my worst even if that's taboo. If feeling like "shit" gives me something to feel comfortable in and something to explore inside myself with my own logic it doesn't matter if it's normally bad. It makes me happy. My own hedonist path.

The more alone I am the more myself I am. So I'll just be myself. Honestly I'll be happiest living on top of a foggy mountain somewhere and exploring my own thoughts and existence until I die. That's all I really want, and now that I know that I can have it some day. 

That has to be why walking at night is so nice. It finally feels like the world around me is reflecting what's in my mind, what I want. Today I had the urge to climb higher and higher so I did that. The higher I got the more peace I felt. Eventually there was no one but some rustling in the bushes and it scared me, but that fear was nice; disregarded it pretty quickly. The darker the path got the more attracted I felt to it, I walked places I'd normally turn around from. If I'm different and want to be alone I'll do that. My own legs can take me so far. 

Highlights: Cat, House with no curtains but bright ass lights and a giant TV playing for an empty couch and kitchen. Blue orbs in pictures; apparently that means I'm being watched over.