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Phase 1: School Grind 09/13/23
Sep. 13th, 2023 05:31 pmThis phase will continue until you are accepted and ultimately enrolled in a Psych Undergrad. This is all you'll be focusing on during this time period.
Goals:
- Getting into a psych undergrad program as a transfer student
- Making progress towards admission every day
- Maintaining employment while you do so
- Thinking and behaving more like your ideal self every day (can do this any time)
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Ahh, this wave of exhaustion just took over me. That's probably what happens when you wear glasses that make you look hot but are just slightly too strong for you. And also don't eat. And are leftover high, and had not the worst shit of your life but a pretty bad one at 10:30 am and re-hydrate after it with coffee.
Been running on that and two pieces of toast with a laughing cow each spread on them, almost 5 PM now. This instant Vietnamese coffee might end up turning into the taste of this anorexia relapse if this anorexia relapse turns into an anorexia relapse. It was Harney & Son's "Paris Tea" at the start of my ED, and Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte last year. Which I actually got to try a flavor-ally lukewarm version of yesterday...
Unless...my body and brain are literally relapsing, but I haven't acknowledged it as a relapse despite relapsing. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I'll continue this once I get to another computer because I'm receiving a strange but vivid vision of Sofya looking at my fast typing ass weird despite receiving no input from my nervous system that she's noticed it at all. Fun! At least the glasses and perceived weight loss from my not-relapse look good. And please save my draft, Dreamwidth.
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A messy not Monday
Sep. 5th, 2023 06:58 pmLast night was amazing. Mentioned this in my last post, but my anxiety around that part of my life seems to have disappeared completely-- at least for now. But god, I'm so tired on a mental and physical level. I know exactly why (it's the edibles. And the 6 AM asthma attack. Why are you still doing this to yourself?) and I'm about to indulge myself again in an hour. I guess that floaty warm feeling in my stomach is worth the ensuing headache, depression stat boost, and lack of desire to do anything until my next fix. This is how I'm thinking about it: I was already in a depressive episode before, might as well get those few hours of bliss in. Not to mention the way it heightens media is like crack. That's funny-- comparing drugs to drugs. I've reached the peak.
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Just got over a piece of myself
Sep. 4th, 2023 08:22 pmAlmost posted this from my phone, but had to stop pretty quickly. I type with my thumbs and the combination of my long acrylics and Dreamwidth's absence of specialized mobile posting put an end to that. "Specialized mobile posting" is such an ugly combination of words I almost don't want to publish this...
I'm going to see Samuel soon! As in in a few hours, I think. I miss him so much. Haven't seen him since Thursday night (08/31/23), and that encounter was short. We had basically just seen each other to see each other again, and /in my mind/ to have sex, I guess. I didn't think that he would have any other reason to see me even though I'm his girlfriend, even though his actions up until this point have done everything to contradict that. That says so much about my self-worth, or lack of it, especially when it comes to what men think about me-- it really is all in your own head-- your weeded out hangover head actually, you idiot. That actually probably explains everything. Idiot!
( Read more... )Thank god it saved my draft
Sep. 3rd, 2023 01:49 pmSo...I'm back on Dreamwidth? Over a year later. I've either been high, or leftover high, since.....Monday the 28th I guess? Not sure when exactly I finished and switched over from that pack of edibles I stole from my dad's stash to the extra edibles I got from the order I replaced the stolen pack with. That's probably a really confusing sentence to read, but anyways. I've been high for a while, and going to work high. Or leftover high...and no one knows! It's been really comforting to listen to Of Herbs and Altar's writing on YouTube while working what's essentially a part time glorified office job. And I do think it counts as one-- I sit in an office, on a computer. And work sometimes. Warm yellow lighting, completely white, empty walls, and dingy upholstery. It's totally office material. In case I forget what job exactly this was when I look back at this post, it's that period of time you were working Member Services at the JCC.
Anyways, Of Herbs and Altars-- I think that she's so cool. I'm back in that murky purple gray depression again, that dark kind of maroon purple I associate with her voice. It was probably the witchy clutter of her video backgrounds that reminded me of Dreamwidth, subconsciously. Hey, this "looks" like the blog you had-- and you wrote things too-- nothing much more than some journal entries, but you wrote things. You like looking at clumps of text, it satisfies you. Time to make clumps of text again :)
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Pim Pom Pam Pom
Apr. 18th, 2022 05:56 am*Casually adds heavy grain filter to cover mirror specks*
Feel so naked without my eyebrows BUT
Makeup routine for Shiki has been finalized for real
Really wanted to nail her androgynous look, keep it very light handed and don’t over emphasize any one feature
Also Face tape is a fucking life hack I never thought my skull could look this snatched
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Dreamwidth's rich text set up is killing me; the original plan was to have all of my excerpts from the novel in one entry, but it seems like the post was getting too long for rich text to operate effectively. I was messing around with the read more options after posting due to the bulk of it, but adding those in after you've already put down what you want to say is close to impossible. From now on I'll be typing directly into the cut, and refreshing my knowledge on html-- haven't used it since my Tumblr days. It might just be that I don't know how to operate these things effectively, though, so maybe there's no point in blaming the site just yet. Had a few typos I kept forgetting to fix as well-- but it's okay! Just more for me to learn, and more for me to keep a closer eye on. UPDATE: Can't have centered text under a cut, which I was using for the previous post. Consistency is more important to me than streamlining, so no read mores for this series of posts.
My highlighter is as faded as my patience.
"'Got it,' Komatsu declared. 'No more nighttime calls.' But his promise had not sunk deep roots in his brain. One rainfall was all it took to wash them out." (pg. 51) Murakami's metaphors make a return, this time back to back-- he's relating time and memory (concepts) to nature, in this case the roots of a tree and rainfall. Asian literature utilizes nature metaphors considerably more than western literature does, which adds to the atmosphere of the novel as a whole instead of the atmosphere of a scene (which is done through descriptive detail).
"'I filled her in on the general stuff. You're twenty-nine or thirty, a bachelor, you teach math at a Yoyogi cram school. You're a big guy, but not a bad guy. You don't eat young girls. You live a simple lifestyle, you've got gentle eyes. And I like your writing a lot. That's about it.'" (pg. 53) We get a sense of Komatsu's values here: what he thinks are the important parts of an individual. This quote also adds depth to Tengo's character; at face value, he can be described exactly as Komatsu says. When the context of his childhood is added later into the novel, however, we readers come to see Tengo as a highly nuanced character. The key here is to make your characters complex and multi-faceted, but without a sense of urgency; this can be developed and eventually attained over the course of your story. Another key: not every character is aware of every fact, detail, and backstory about another character, or their level of depth. This is similar to reality. Characters with a closer relationship can have that closeness emphasized with the level of knowledge they have about the other.
"Tengo stared at the receiver in his hand for a while, then set it down. He wanted to get to sleep right away if possible, and to have good dreams if possible, but he knew it wouldn't be easy after having been dragged out of bed and forced to participate in an unpleasant conversation. He could try drinking himself to sleep, but he wasn't in the mood for alcohol. He ended up drinking a glass of water, getting back in bed, turning on the light, and beginning to read a book. He hoped it would make him sleepy, but he didn't actually fall asleep until almost dawn." (pg. 53) Tengo's routine breaks because of circumstances mostly out of his control. This is a slice of reality bought into 1Q84 by Murakami. His characters operate like individuals; they have a way of thinking, plans, thoughts, and feelings, but at the end of the day these "possessions" shift with the world around them, and they must adjust their way of operating.
At this point, I may have less to say about the quotes themselves, as well as translated Murakami's writing style. Most of his quirks and stylistic pillars have already revealed themselves in the opening chapters, and I've been relatively thorough in documenting them. One idea I had was making these series of notes less personal and into an actual tutorial for other writers-- closer to the title of the posts. Something I'll have to work on once 1Q84 has been completely covered on here, though. For now I'll stick to the more casual format of the previous post, and chime in again in red whenever something comes to mind.
My highlighter is as faded as my patience.
⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶
Chapter 4, Tengo: "If that is what you want to do."
Chapter 4, Tengo: "If that is what you want to do."
"'Got it,' Komatsu declared. 'No more nighttime calls.' But his promise had not sunk deep roots in his brain. One rainfall was all it took to wash them out." (pg. 51) Murakami's metaphors make a return, this time back to back-- he's relating time and memory (concepts) to nature, in this case the roots of a tree and rainfall. Asian literature utilizes nature metaphors considerably more than western literature does, which adds to the atmosphere of the novel as a whole instead of the atmosphere of a scene (which is done through descriptive detail).
"'I filled her in on the general stuff. You're twenty-nine or thirty, a bachelor, you teach math at a Yoyogi cram school. You're a big guy, but not a bad guy. You don't eat young girls. You live a simple lifestyle, you've got gentle eyes. And I like your writing a lot. That's about it.'" (pg. 53) We get a sense of Komatsu's values here: what he thinks are the important parts of an individual. This quote also adds depth to Tengo's character; at face value, he can be described exactly as Komatsu says. When the context of his childhood is added later into the novel, however, we readers come to see Tengo as a highly nuanced character. The key here is to make your characters complex and multi-faceted, but without a sense of urgency; this can be developed and eventually attained over the course of your story. Another key: not every character is aware of every fact, detail, and backstory about another character, or their level of depth. This is similar to reality. Characters with a closer relationship can have that closeness emphasized with the level of knowledge they have about the other.
"Tengo stared at the receiver in his hand for a while, then set it down. He wanted to get to sleep right away if possible, and to have good dreams if possible, but he knew it wouldn't be easy after having been dragged out of bed and forced to participate in an unpleasant conversation. He could try drinking himself to sleep, but he wasn't in the mood for alcohol. He ended up drinking a glass of water, getting back in bed, turning on the light, and beginning to read a book. He hoped it would make him sleepy, but he didn't actually fall asleep until almost dawn." (pg. 53) Tengo's routine breaks because of circumstances mostly out of his control. This is a slice of reality bought into 1Q84 by Murakami. His characters operate like individuals; they have a way of thinking, plans, thoughts, and feelings, but at the end of the day these "possessions" shift with the world around them, and they must adjust their way of operating.
"Her most attractive facial feature was her deep, striking eyes. Under the gaze of two glistening, pitch-black pupils, Tengo felt uncomfortable. She hardly blinked and seemed almost to not be breathing. Her hair was absolutely straight, as if someone had drawn each individual strand with a ruler, and the shape of her eyebrows matched the hair perfectly. As with many beautiful teenage girls, her expression lacked any trace of everyday life. It was also strangely unbalanced-- perhaps because there was a slight difference in the depth of her left and right eyes-- causing discomfort in the recipient of her gaze. You couldn't tell what she was thinking. In that sense, she was not the kind of beautiful girl who becomes a model or a pop star. Rather, she had something about her that aroused people and drew them towards her." (pg. 54) Long, fascinating description of Eri's beauty. Murakami tends to spend a great deal of time discussing the appearance of his characters, and these looks correlate close to perfectly with their personalities. Excellent example of his descriptive ability and thought process here-- he's able to give each character a unique, cohesive look though his story takes place in an extremely homogeneous country. Compare to other works in more diverse settings, which spare no more than a few lines to discuss a character's hair and eye color and leave it at that.
"Fuka-Eri said nothing, but from somewhere deep inside her neutral, beautiful eyes, she looked hard at Tengo. She seemed to be struggling to understand the words that Tengo has spoken." (pg. 63) Weaving the thread here for Eri's disability.
Lay to Rest
Apr. 14th, 2022 05:29 amTW
Writing about it so I don’t do it, I’m fine
So fucking weird
As I was writing this my headphones were interrupted with something mid song
From “Like a Stone” to “My Sacrifice”
and the interruption was static from ear to ear for six seconds…
