9meow | Reading

Last month I met someone whose visa has just been approved and who started T today.

What a good day.

I was excited to meet another trans immigrant... so much that I immediately behaved as if there was a kind of intimacy between us that does not in fact exist: I teased him about how he only had a few hours left until he started being stinky...and then as we were leaving he asked me "wait, so about that smell thing, was that serious, because I've been wondering...."

oh no!

But! It worked out okay: I saw him again a fortnight later, and he made a point of telling me I was right about the stinkiness. Which made me smile but also gave me a chance to apologize for saying something that could be so easily misconstrued. I tried to explain about the false sense of intimacy I immediately felt when

He said it was fine, it was funny. To be understood as I'd intended was a relief!

He told me that the person standing next to him, an acquaintance of mine, someone he had been draped over all evening, has been counting his facial hairs.

As of that day there were eight of them.

It was so heartwarming and delightful to see early transition so intimately documented like that. Especially for a masc person; the loving detail is something I'm so much more used to seeing from trans fems.

the_siobhan

Steroids are fucking magic, yo. They have returned my cat to his normal bitchy emotionally needy self. They have also taken most of the stabbing out of my foot so I can walk without limping, at least while I'm moving around the house. I cheated a bit and put some of the foot cream on my arm because I officially overdid it with the shovelling, and as a result I can now lift a water glass without wincing.

What a country.

Upper third of my yard is now graded and seeded. My daughter came over and helped. She's not getting a lot of hours at work so she has an open invitation to come over and help me move dirt from one place to another whenever she wants to make a few bucks and be given beer and dinner. It works out well for both of us.

Basement guys came back today - they said they figured they had about three hours of work to finish. More swearing in Polish ensued. In the end they were in my basement for eight hours, but they got it all done. They had to build entirely new frames to hang the doors from and there was at least one hardware store trip to replace borked parts in the storm door and BOY HOWDY did they have something to say about that, but everything is now perfect and the basement apartment has functional doors that work and close and lock and everything.

Next step: I got somebody to come over and have a look at finishing the wood work. This consists of:
1. The stairs from the kitchen door to the backyard. Currently about a three foot drop, which I have been climbing up and down but that's not a perfect long term solution. (Especially in winter.)
2. The stairs from the basement apartment into the yard, are flimsy, wobbly, and don't have any hand rails so they are definitely not code. They are also resting on a base of wooden slats that just randomly shift if you put your weight in the wrong spot. I have no fucking idea what Original Contractor was even thinking. They need to be replaced with something that will pass a city inspection and that also will not kill you when you try to use them.
3. I want to put some kind of a sound-proof bench over the sump pump, because that fucker is loud. Also I figure an exposed ginormous battery is possibly a safety hazard of some kind. So the guy who looked at it said they can build something that acts as a solid bench but you can flip the top up if it needs maintenance, which sounds perfect.
4. My original blueprints include a deck on the kitchen roof. That would be really nice if I can swing it, but we'll see how much this all costs. Mainly it would be an additional place for me to grow herbs and stuff so it's in the "nice to have" pile.

( CUT FOR GROSS, SERIOUSLY YOU WERE WARNED )

Every time I see my doctor she asks me how the Not Drinking is going and every single time I'm all, FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK.

cosmolinguist

Every afternoon this week, I reach a point in the afternoon where I stumble away from my work computer and end up in the kitchen, and there on the countertop I see a handful (or more!) of strawberries, which V has harvested and washed.

And I try to only eat half (which was easier today because they ended up telling me they'd already eaten half of what they'd picked, and they'd finished off the blueberries in the fridge along with it; basically that was their lunch), and it's just the thing I need to get through the rest of the day.

Strawberry season is the best season. And I'm so grateful that don't even have to pick them myself!

cosmolinguist

I didn't think I was going to get to see Sinners before it left theaters, but D has found like one showing an evening this week so he and I went today! Sadly V wasn't feeling up to coming along, but otherwise it was great.

I enjoyed the hell out of the movie, if not as much as I would have at like 16 when I was obsessed with that music.

All the performances were so good, and I loved the soundtrack and it was just a joy to watch.

I told V that if they were up to it I'd happily go see it again with them tomorrow. I so badly want to Check on some things. (Also I saw it with no audio description so I'm certain I missed a ton of what's actually on the screen.)

cosmolinguist

As someone who, 99% of the time, has to listen to something (usually a familiar audiobook or podcast) to fall asleep, I am finally trying one of these Bluetooth sleep headband things that always get advertised to me.

My needs (or expectations) are not great here. Back in the days of rigid Walkman headphones with scratchy foam over the earphones I would fall asleep lying on my side with them digging in to my head.

But even so, this has been a success the last few nights. If a little warm for my hot head.

It's funny: it's clearly meant to be an eye mask too, but I can't stand not being able to see at least a little light when I open my eyes, so I actively dislike this. I'll wear it at an awkward angle, I don't mind! I hate the dark so much.

Unexpected benefit of this contraption is I can continue my habit of listening to a podcast (to get my hit of extrovert energy) while I'm getting dressed in the morning, without disturbing my sleeping boyfriend still in bed. (I know this would be true of any Bluetooth headset but I'm not used to them, plus the fabric fits the soft and cozy gentle start to the day that I'm always aiming for.)

My bedroom is even close enough to the bathroom that I can leave my phone next to my bed, go brush my teeth, and no interruption in me hearing strangers chat about baseball or whatever.

the_siobhan

Workmen arrived at 9:00 this morning to install three (3) doors and finish off the framing of one (1) window. Ostensibly less than a day of work for two people.

Lords, ladies, and gentlethems, it is now 9:30 PM and they just left and only one door and the window are finished. Original Contractor did something funky with the framing of the doorways and nothing is squared properly and so they have to buy some more materials and come back later in the week to finish fixing it.

There was shouting. In Polish I think. They are very clearly not impressed with Original Contractor.

Any vindication I might have felt that Original Contractor was in fact just making it up as he went along is somewhat overshadowed that I have to pay tradie's rates for a second day of work.

cosmolinguist

Can't tell if my biggest exercise achievement this evening is

1) the (new, temporary) instructor saying "that's the strongest plank ever!" about mine (plank is usually a weakness, all I normally hear is "Erik get your hips up!")
or
2) me absolutely booking it out of there the second our cooldown finished, knowing I only had a chance to make the bus if I hustled -- effectively addring ten minutes of cardio on top of the hour-long circuits session! -- and getting to the stop just as the bus did.

I was so wrecked by the time I got home though. Especially because the bus driver didn't let me off at the stop I wanted (I guess I stood up too late and despite getting to the front of the bus just after another person exited the bus and the doors were still open, he insisted on ignoring me!).

I was so tired that, when I went to eat the lovely dinner that my lovely boyfriend had made for us while I was out, I had to consciously think it's time to open my mouth, muscles! once my hand had brought the spoon full of chili and rice to my lips.

the_siobhan

CAT!

Lord Brock is now on prednisone. (I remember the name because it's the same steroid my sister was treated with when doctors first diagnosed her auto-immune disorder.) Two days later he was eating his weight in chicken and four days later he is following me around the house and yelling at me like nothing happened. Complete turn-around. Fingers crossed this is the magic bullet.

HOUSE!

Inching along. Work on getting the walls and doors fixed was delayed by days of rain, but dude promised he'd be here first thing tomorrow morning. Haven't heard from roof guy, probably for the same reasons. I have started calling around for quotes to get the stairs built from the kitchen.

ME!

I have shit feet. They hurt pretty much all the time, but lately they've been extra special painful. So off I hobbled to a podiatrist, who immediately told me I have plantar fasciitis. This is a Latin phrase that roughly translates to "shit feet".

I can't even blame age for this one.

He gave me stretches, a prescription that has to be compounded, and an order to stay off my feet. So far I have managed one of those three things. Eventually I will manage to find a compounding pharmacy in this city that is open more than two hours a week, but not walking is going to be harder.

Hopefully my insurance will pay for orthotics. But I draw a hard line at Birkenstocks.

cosmolinguist

I did my split squats today and didn't hate them!

Split squats always get a groan when our trainer tells us to do them, no one likes them, but I've found them a particular trial during ankle recovery. They've so good for me that lunges (which are similar) were a formal part of my physiotherapy. But that also meant they were hard, no fun, and not terribly rewarding!

I've always been fortunate that my recovery hasn't featured a lot of pain, but that almost made it more difficult to monitor, and cope with, the intense weakness in that ankle (and the knock-on effects, like my already-atrocious balance somehow got (and remains) even worse?!).

Feeling okay until my leg just didn't hold me up properly can be unsettling!

I've patiently stuck with it, doing regular bodyweight lunges in circuits when other people are doing walking lunges with the biggest dumbbells available to us there (not very big, but still!) and having to tuck myself into the squat cage for split squats at lift club so I could hang on to the bars to keep my balance.

And now I can do (very slow, increasingly wobbly) walking lunges, and I can do split squats without hanging on to anything -- except a little kettlebell! And I might have to go up to the second-smallest size of kettlebell next time actually, I was thinking today.

It's nice to feel like I'm at about the level where I would have been starting if I hadn't broken my ankle almost immediately into taking up exercise as a hobby. I mean yes it'd be nice if it hadn't taken me a year and a half to get that far, but as with so many of the other changes in my body in the past year and a half, I try not to get caught up in what-ifs and wistful regret, and I think I am doing okay at that.

cosmolinguist

Sir Ian McKellen to open historic all-trans and nonbinary production of Twelfth Night

What's this, a trans reading of my favorite Shakespeare play, fundraising for my favorite trans charity (the one that brings me that "trans gym" thing I'm always talking about)?

And there's a livestream so I can stay covid-safe? And you can watch from anywhere (for two weeks after the live performance)?

I've already got my ticket!

cosmolinguist

This morning, a friend shared a screenshot of a social media post that says

i am a simple goblin

all i want is for someone to pet my head

and feed me whatever i want for dinner

without having to figure out what that is

forever ✨

I read this, and thought D's gonna say "oh look it Erik" isn't he (he's convinced I'm a goblin; I don't get it), and before I could even type anything, he said "Oh you found Erik's alt."

I laughed and said "Actually I require many more things than this. I am a needy goblin."

I mean yes those things would be nice -- though lately I've been very particular about what I can eat for dinner, sigh - but I was stuck on "all I want." So I added, "My counselor keeps asking me what it'd take to make things feel less overwhelming/burnouty for me, and I have a big list." Which is true! It's a mental list, but only because I'm scared to write it down.

D asked "Are any of them actionable?"

I laughed differently and much more bitterly at this. The unfeasibility is why I'm scared to write any of it down.

darkoshi

I feel like MS Copilot is my new buddy at work. The company has the business version which is supposed to keep the company's data private and secure, and we are authorized to use it. I haven't been using it inside of VS Code or other IDEs, which would require an extra license. The browser interface doesn't require an extra license and has met all my needs so far.

From what I last heard, the version that runs in VS Code can't yet answer questions that pertain to the whole big code-base, rather only to the current file you have open. To me, that wouldn't offer much benefit over the browser version, as I can paste the contents of a file into the browser chatbox or I could select the file to attach.

Anyway, MS Copilot helps me with creating PowerShell scripts and complex regex expressions, and with answering various questions. The version at work seems to give a lot more accurate answers than the one I access from my personal laptop; it's likely a better model. Unless the difference is due to the kinds of questions I ask there versus here.

cosmolinguist

I can never remember which one's "adductor" and which one's "abductor," but now one of those is the machine in the gym that's for practicing to crush a watermelon between your thighs, and I think after I described it thusly to him tonight, that's what diffrentcolours and I are gonna be calling it from now on.

After that I started explaining all the machines in terms of watermelons. "This one's lifting watermelons, this one's punching watermelons..."

cosmolinguist

I introduced my counselor to the "stress bucket" metaphor today.

Some of you may remember it was a Gary thing. I described it here:

The stress bucket is a metaphor about a bucket with a little hole in the bottom. Stress fills up the bucket. The little hole gradually empties it. We learned about what things are good for emptying a dog's stress bucket quicker and also how long the effects of an overflowing stress bucket can hang around.

It immediately made sense to me as someone with chronic anxiety, so while we carried on using it about Gary (it was always so useful), I apply it to myself too. And when my counselor was getting tangled in some other metaphors that reminded me of this, I told it to her. She seemed to really like it and extending the metaphor was useful for us during the whole conversation.

My good little dog, still helping out my brain even now.

cosmolinguist

I need a desk fan for the room I work in. V is kind enough to use their skills in online shopping for me, and ordered one the other day to arrive today.

So this afternoon they said "Oh, Erik, I think your fan is on the way," and I presume they got a text about it or whatever.

But a visiting friend heard this, no context, and said she thought they meant, like, an admirer of mine.

It'd be so funny if someone came around just because they liked me.

Meanwhile, I'm so unbelievably tempted to write "A fan of Erik" on the fan. It's in a room full of sharpies. I could so easily do this.

the_siobhan

Haven't posted for a while, mostly because I've been working my ass off.

I had the week off and once again planned to get some work done on the house. This time I wanted to get the backyard sorted. My daughter came over at the start of the week, and the two of us spent two days pulling up the waist-high weeds in the hot sun. We filled five yard waste bags and I put cardboard over the bare dirt around the house. I did some initial raking around the house to try and slope the soil away from the walls. Somebody is coming over this week to finish the covering on the bottom of the exterior walls - once he's done I'll finish raking the dirt so at least the upper part of the yard is properly graded and then I'll toss some clover seeds all over it. That should hopefully help keep water out of the basement.

Then on Wednesday it started to rain.

And rain and rain and rain.

Thursday the ex-housemate came over and the two of us worked all day in the pour. The sump pump was dumping massive amounts of water into the yard and it was just - collecting on top of all that thick clay until the backyard turned into a flood zone. We built a clay dam along the fence to keep it out of the neighbours' yard and dug a six-foot long trench under the pump outlet. It's just a big water-filled pit right now, but at least it managed to keep the water in one spot.

Then we dug another long trench for my vegetable garden. We framed it with the wood the contractor had left lying around. I filled the bottom with the branches that had been left behind by the felled tree, and mixed four bags of composted manure into the dirt. It's covered with cardboard right now, just waiting for my seedlings to get big enough to plant.

When the backyard dries out enough I'll deepen the trench and fill it with rocks. Both of us vaguely remember from when we built a pig-roasting pit years ago - and the vegetable garden digging seems to confirm - that there's a sand layer about 3-4 feet down, so if I can get the trench that deep the water might actually drain instead of flooding. That's a project for later in the summer though, right now it's just a sea of mud.

Apart from the bags of weeds I have also have two extra bags of trash to put out this week, just from the garbage that the original contractor left behind. Apparently they just dumped all their left-over coffee cups and pop cans and chunks of plastic and scrap wood and metal onto the ground and threw the clay fill right on top of it. More than once after prying the imploded corpse of a bucket of drywall compoud out of the ground with a spade I felt the urge to stand upright, fists clenched at my sides, and shout at the uncaring sky, "Who Raised These People?!"

***

Got my head eplayed, so the vertigo is considerably less than it was.

Still managed to hit me a couple of times this week because I spent most of it digging, and there is nothing like being half-bent over a watery trench with a shovel full of heavy mud to make one's inner ear decide now is the time to send one's sense of "up" into a random dimension. I managed not to actually tip over, although I did have a couple of episodes of just having to tripod with the shovel until the world stopped spinning.

***

Lord Brock is - not great. He ended up having an endoscopy on Wednesday, which found a large mass in his duodenum. Now I'm just waiting on the biopsy results. In the meantime, he's on a steady diet of painkillers and appetite stimulants just to keep him eating.

I'm bracing myself for bad news.

cosmolinguist

Today I had to ask the other two for help about something that's been making me shut down.

It went well and needed to happen so I'm glad I did it!

But even talking around it gave me a little panic attack.

Soon after, a combination of a crumb at the back of my throat and putting my mask on to go into Aldi, left me coughing and hyperventilating. The panic came right back. I had to stand in the aisle and wheeze for a bit

It has left my throat feeling sore and raw...and my brain is of course too.

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9meow

September 2023

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Box of Hearts

Reading

intimacies

nothing matters but the weekend from a Tuesday point of view

Wonders never cease

Sinners

Sleep band

one must imagine Sisyphus happy

Exercise victories

BIRTH! SCHOOL! WORK! DEATH!

Milestones of a sort

Hie thee thither!

a complicated goblin

smart coding buddy

This is what happens when we go to the gym unsupervised

Stress bucket

A fan

i am like quicksand

Rough day

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September 2023

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