9meow | Just got over a piece of myself (Reply)

Almost posted this from my phone, but had to stop pretty quickly. I type with my thumbs and the combination of my long acrylics and Dreamwidth's absence of specialized mobile posting put an end to that. "Specialized mobile posting" is such an ugly combination of words I almost don't want to publish this...

I'm going to see Samuel soon! As in in a few hours, I think. I miss him so much. Haven't seen him since Thursday night (08/31/23), and that encounter was short. We had basically just seen each other to see each other again, and /in my mind/ to have sex, I guess. I didn't think that he would have any other reason to see me even though I'm his girlfriend, even though his actions up until this point have done everything to contradict that. That says so much about my self-worth, or lack of it, especially when it comes to what men think about me-- it really is all in your own head-- your weeded out hangover head actually, you idiot. That actually probably explains everything. Idiot!

Anyways, I was off work at 9:30 PM and he had to go drive up to Davis the next morning to go see his brother and hang out for SacAnime. He always comes to see me towards the end of my shift, and we leave together. There's been a few times when I thought he wouldn't show up for whatever reason, like it doesn't make sense time-wise, he's tired, something something idk. He always shows up! We leave together and pretty quickly get into doing it in his car at The Park. If older me looks back on this later, it's because you're both living at home and trying to get out at this point in the timeline.

So, this was after another five days of not seeing each other beforehand. He's taking the LSAT this Saturday on the 9th, with the entire next week off of work for last minute preparations-- I didn't think I'd see him that whole time until he messaged me earlier this evening, these were the thoughts I was having immediately after. Resigning myself, or something? We cuddled for a while, but something about him moving to leave after putting his clothes on made me burst into tears like an idiot.

Kept having these thoughts of "okay, he got what he wanted so there's no reason for him to stay any longer (insecurity on my part)" and "noo, you look so tired, stay here and let me love you forever D:" I'm completely sane, I promise. And of course he stayed and comforted me until I forced myself to stop crying, though even then I was holding it in not to get my gross tears and snot everywhere. I cried into his shirt. Getting held by a man when I was crying made me think of my dad which made me cry even more. My tears were for him, too. Didn't tell him that though-- just "Wow ehe wonder why I'm crying out of nowhere. Weird brain moment. I don't even know why myself. *laughing*"

I was actually thinking about how hard he must have had it this entire time-- and he was going to be alone again without anyone to give him affection until we see each other again. Heard about male isolation recently, so that may not have helped the situation. I didn't want that for him. And he really did look so tired...

I thought "I love you" for the first time.

Haven't said it to him as of my writing this.

Of course, he had to leave eventually. And he stayed so much later than he should have, I'm so thankful for that even if it was at his expense. The guilt though, of keeping him up so late at night...why am I so hyper aware of everything, trying so hard not to be a bother. Just to make this even clearer, I was certain it would be another nine or ten days since we'd see each other again. And started overthinking over the next few days since Thursday, until today. He's only seeing you to do that. I was really up in my head about it until we texted...and looking back on it, he said exactly the right thing. My anxiety regarding that particular aspect of my life right now has completely flown away.

I've already established that my relationship with Samuel is what's keeping me from a relapse with cutting. I was smart enough to realize tonight on my own that if I relapsed with my anorexia, it would go equally downhill. So I'm not going to starve myself like I had planned yesterday. Need a creative outlet instead.

Some other highlights of my day today:

Finding the BentoVid Discord server for amv editors and being so kindly welcomed
Someone going, "SHIKIIIIII" and inviting me into the The VAT server, also for amvs
Need to make some of the videos plaguing my mind now once I'm finished building my PC and have real, uninhibited access to Premiere and After Effects
Going to focus on building friends there, journaling and writing here, and eventually editing so I don't starve myself.
That being said though I might have sex tonight and it's going to be an issue if my stomach sticks out so....
I've had a cup of coffee, two bananas, a handful of those salty peasnap chip things, and chunks of papaya.
No idea if that's a reasonable amount of food, but my stomach is sticking out within my comfort level.