Thank god it saved my draft
Sep. 3rd, 2023 01:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
So...I'm back on Dreamwidth? Over a year later. I've either been high, or leftover high, since.....Monday the 28th I guess? Not sure when exactly I finished and switched over from that pack of edibles I stole from my dad's stash to the extra edibles I got from the order I replaced the stolen pack with. That's probably a really confusing sentence to read, but anyways. I've been high for a while, and going to work high. Or leftover high...and no one knows! It's been really comforting to listen to Of Herbs and Altar's writing on YouTube while working what's essentially a part time glorified office job. And I do think it counts as one-- I sit in an office, on a computer. And work sometimes. Warm yellow lighting, completely white, empty walls, and dingy upholstery. It's totally office material. In case I forget what job exactly this was when I look back at this post, it's that period of time you were working Member Services at the JCC.
Anyways, Of Herbs and Altars-- I think that she's so cool. I'm back in that murky purple gray depression again, that dark kind of maroon purple I associate with her voice. It was probably the witchy clutter of her video backgrounds that reminded me of Dreamwidth, subconsciously. Hey, this "looks" like the blog you had-- and you wrote things too-- nothing much more than some journal entries, but you wrote things. You like looking at clumps of text, it satisfies you. Time to make clumps of text again :)
By the way, Dreamwidth, Of Herbs and Altar's videos, and these My Little Pony pictures all look the same to me. I loveeeee this vibe. This is what my mind looks like right now. Grimy, grungey, some fog but the beauty and touch of desire for lace and cuteness will always be there. Another thing I can associate with this feeling-- Avril Lavigne's I'm With You music video. Really resonates with me. Andddd reading the start of Midnight Sun during my four hour CSD shift last Thursday. It's the beginning of September and I have a half eaten Starbucks chocolate croissant with me...the latte made with oatmilk is at about 75% right now. I want to be skinny again. My brain should be satisfied with this list-- you get it now, right?
My life has changed since the last time I updated here. I've remained the same in a lot of ways too, obviously. Why else would I want to use this website again? I'm really glad I managed to remember my login info, and can continue off of the same page. I like starting things on a clean note, and I'm not used to continuity. I want to, though. I mentioned that on my first post here.
First taste of real continuity? And yeah, took a picture of the screen instead of a screenshot. Extra work for the aestheticccc
Let's start with what's different-- I have some amazing online friends from the KnK discord server. Sand, Garrett, Dev, Zeal. We split off and made our own fugly friend group server that's been active since July of 2022. I like Rice and Mika as well though I don't get to talk to them as much. They have that kind of unhidden pretentiousness I love and hate at the same time. I even met Garrett in person for EVO 2023, but that's fast-forwarding to August. Have a tattoo now, the only one on me right now. Canaan and Alphard's snake on my left arm. Contemplating getting another one (or maybe it counts as two), two cat kaomojis shooting guns above both my knees. Maybe it'll happen soon.
Earlier in the year I had a few months of (probably toxic) manic positivity and productiveness that landed me a job at the JCC. It's pretty funny and sad looking back on it, I really thought my depression was gone forever. I've accepted that it's always going to be there and that some times will always just be better than others. Job started on December 26th, so holy shit, almost 9 months since then now. I'm surprised I haven't quit yet. Not that it's a horrible job or anything, I love the environment, just what the fuck, me doing the same thing for 9 months through all my moods. Showing up. That's insane, guess I've levelled up to life 2.0. You're still depressed, but you gained the ability to do the bare minimum and maintain employment through the ups and downs! Mentioned this to a few people: "My sister used to take swim lessons here when I was 10. And I sat somewhere in the vicinity and watched Vocaloid videos." Here's a pic I snapped at the indoor pool this morning. And it's where I met my boyfriend :)
| My delusional era which hmmmmm starts at EHEM 01/01/23 ME AND MY FRESH STARTS
Don't live in Belmont anymore, I want to again so badly. If I'm going to live in California, I wanna live in Belmont. Let me be away from everyone this time though, have that true loneliness there. Sounds like heaven on earth. On the other hand it could be nice to have a Person with me there too.
I have a person again! I want to make a separate post about that**. I'll put my favorite picture of him on the end of this post-- it would fit in perfectly here. I don't really want to say this, but he's the only thing holding me back from a relapse with cutting. Of course he's not aware of that fact. Not so much with my eating disorder though-- my anorexia, it sounds so stupid to even call it that. I feel that coming again soon, though both temptations have been on my mind for weeks. I think that I actually want it to happen now. Silent anorexia. You're so much easier to hide...until you're not.
Had a very short kinda botched "wolf" cut around this time last year. It's grown out in beautiful, dark wavy layers now. About bra strap length. I wanna grow it out to my waist, then I'll think about what to do after. I'm pretty comfortable with my appearance now, but I want to be skinny again. I gained weight since last year, intentionally, but now that I'm [depressed] again I'm regretting it. I weighed in at around 126 when I went to Stanford's express care a week or two ago. Thought I had diplacusis and needed hearing aids or something but it was just a giant clump or earwax UGHHH sdxcfgvb ANYWAYS, 126. Not as bad as I thought, felt so flabby 130 naked was more on my mind. AND the 126 was with a full set of clothes and shoes on so it's nowhere near as bad as I thought. Need to get myself Sanrio scale or something cute and consistent. I'll aim for 112. Another thing with appearance changes-- I like getting my nails done now, and haven't NOT had a pedicure in months. If I could have acrylic nails all the time with no consequence, horses wouldn't be called horses anymore.
| What my nails are supposed to look like right now
| What they actually look like
| I don't even know
So, this can be my first post back on Dreamwidth, and my first time starving again after gaining that weight I thought was so good for me. It's because of the birth control and my lax mindset. Oh yeah, I've had sex too now. More than a few times since the first time...July 26th through the 27th. Was just about to type something about how cool it was that the dates cross over like that, but people having sex during the transitionary period between days seems completely normal now that I think about it for longer than a second. Huh..I was actually able to trust someone enough to be able to do that. And the progression was so natural it didn't even cross my mind. So far mostly in a car but it's better when it's not in a car. Wonder why.
Few last things I want to put in bullet points because I'm tired:
- Thought I was in a bad place but fuck, nowhere near as bad as some of my older journal entries
- Don't want to lie in these anymore
- Started this post thinking I was going to have another downward spiral but I feel so much better now writing everything down.
- So many amazing things have come into my life.
- I need to do this more.
| I love him so much
He actually texted me as I was writing this. Why does everything else suddenly not matter anymore?